Three Hundred and Sixty Five Days

One year on…

A year ago today, my first book was released.

I’m running out of ways to describe the experience since “rollercoaster” is the best word for it, but it’s all I ever say. That being the case, it’s still the best description of the last three-hundred-and-sixty-five days that I have to offer.

My life has changed hugely in a year. I’m more capable, more confident, and more experienced in just about every way. I’ve successfully and single-handedly set up a very demanding business, (that requires a huge amount of effort, often for results that can be pretty underwhelming), and assumed responsibility for every aspect of it, from its finances to its marketing, its events management to the construction of a storage/workspace in Mum and Dad’s garden.

At the same time, I’m still very much the girl with no self-confidence or self-belief. I’m still a walking, talking contradiction of myself like I’ve always been, but now I have something tangible to hang onto when I’m having one of my many crises of confidence – I’m a published author, twice over. I’ve stood in front of 200 kids and spoken very candidly about how much I love books, putting my “geek” side very much on display, (something I’ve spent a lifetime trying - generally unsuccessfully - to play down). I’ve spoken to rooms of professionals about the crazy journey I’ve been on bringing these books and this business to life (like I know what I’m talking about, which at times, feels really like I’m just faking it!). I’ve driven hundreds of miles and stayed in hotels alone, fended for myself in dark, unfamiliar town centres. I’ve grown exponentially, yet still struggle with all the same things I always have. I still don’t have much confidence in myself. I still feel like I’m just faking it and I’ll be found out any second. I still have days where I'm convinced that this isn’t going to work in the long-term (and it might not!). And all of that is very much ok. If I’ve learned anything, I’ve learned that it’s ok to be a contradiction of yourself. To feel totally in-control and totally free-wheeling all at the same time. It’s all just life, and it seems to be the way I’m hard-wired. Allowing myself to just be the way I am will be a lifelong lesson and struggle, but I’m at least on the road.

And that’s only one thing I’ve learned – I’ve had to process an unbelievable amount of new information and develop innumerable skills in the last year. I've learned that I have the terrible habit of constantly focusing on the things I haven’t done rather than acknowledging or celebrating the things I have. It’s something I’ll always have to work on, I think, but I am learning – slowly – that cutting yourself a bit of slack actually makes you happier and more productive. I’ve had to learn that not checking off the whole, endless, to-do list doesn’t actually make you a failure, but rather, gives you something to work on the next day. I had so many big plans that just didn’t get anywhere near finished this year: blogs to write, videos to edit and post. Running your own business is as unpredictable as it gets, and the fact that I haven’t quite achieved everything I set out to do this year really irks me and eats away quietly at my conscience. But it gives me things to work on – goals to re-position rather than worry over.

In lots of ways, I’ve learned that being careful what you wish for is really sound advice. I’m now ruled, heart and soul, by this endeavour. I’ve turned the thing I loved most into my job and that changes your relationship with it in some really negative ways. There are huge positives that go along with it too, there’s no denying that, it just complicates the love you have for it. This is something you have to navigate and find equilibrium with as best you can.

On the outside, it’s been a charmed year, seeing the launch, steady growth and undeniable initial success of my first – and closely-following second – books. On the inside it has been a charmed year, but it's also been a year of turmoil and whiplash emotions that I’ve barely coped with at times. The future remains as uncertain as ever, but I’ve laid the foundations on something with a lot of potential. I’ve chased a dream and made something come of it. I’ve challenged myself and changed myself and given myself stern talkings-to and gentle days off to recover. I willingly walked into a storm, just to see what would happen, to see if I could turn that storm into a career and a lifestyle.

I’ve learned what it means to have support system that operates on the basis of unconditional love, to have people who are right at your back, pushing you forward and holding you up and, at times, dragging you kicking-and-screaming to the next challenge. I’ll never be able to say enough thank yous to everyone who has jumped onboard this wee tiny boat made of books – from people buying and reading the stories, to shops stocking the books, to schools inviting me to talk to their pupils, to mentors providing constant, invaluable advice and much-needed bolstering. I hope I am paying everyone’s kindness forward and showing similar love and support to the people in my life. I’ve learned that we can do great things when we pull together, that people will take a chance on an untested writer and show enthusiasm for a new book just because they want to help. I’ve been humbled and amazed by the kindness that people can show and I’ll carry that with me no matter how my dream continues to develop.

And no matter how the next year unfolds, or what comes of the fledgling career I’ve coaxed into life, I can say that I did it. I went for it. I tried. I gave it a go. I wrote, published and sold books, something I’ve dreamt of since the time I could hold and read and love a book for myself. I walked into the storm and let it soak me to the skin and strip away everything to the bare bones of just doing something because you love it. I threw caution to the wind and risked it all. Aside from any success I might gain, that is something I will always be proud of. I was brave enough to risk everything for the chance to do something I love, in spite of feeling like I’m not a particularly brave person a lot of the time. Anything after that is a bonus. So here’s to the next year – storms and all.